Please give me some money.

4.5 hr delay in Munich on the runway. I was so tired after travelling for so long from SFO to Munich. But met a nice guy sitting next to me on the plane. Always meeting nice people. So my flight was very very long and by the time we got into Delhi I was headachey and tired. And ready to collapse. But I got to see monkeys and an extremely poor woman begging at my window with her little girl. The girl was maybe 2 years old, probably even younger, but hard to tell. Dirty and no underwear and no front teeth and cute as a button. I felt like it wasn't right to give her mother money. I don't know why precisely, because I'm happy to. Its really NOT a problem on one level, but then there's this energetic level.... I have to acknowledge that sometimes charity doesn't feel right.

There was the practical level of "once you start where do you end" but that wasn't really it. I think it was because of how dirty the child was. I mean kids are happy playing in dirt and nature and don't care one way or the other. And who am I to say anything - I don't know proximity and access to running water or anything. But I felt like this is what this woman does, professional beggar. And I have NO judgement around that - I don't think that's wrong. But I felt like it was very much a choice to bring her child into it.

Maybe I'm just coming from this place of privilege and judgement and i truly don't know but at some point i have to listen to this voice inside. I am still torn about it obviously. Still not clear. But the role of free will vs the sheer amount to be overcome is definitely something to take into account. What kind of indomitable will does it take to overcome extreme poverty? Huge. I so greatly respect those that have. I get more and more of an understanding around the complexity of the picture - how everything is dependent upon something else. And to be able to succeed requires so many factors to fall into place to create an opportunity for self determination to even occur.

This dovetails with older lessons I have experienced around not diving in to save another soul from their own creation - throwing money into trying to save another person. I am very aware that some of my motivation for helping in these instances is to avoid my own discomfort. There's a lot to this lesson for me. Help without taking over, and allow others to have the opportunity to be in their discomfort too. But sometimes it IS just a matter of giving a person some money in the immediate moment.

My grandmother Clapper used to say its one thing to be poor and its another to be dirty. Growing up in the Depression, after her parents lost everything, she had a keen awareness both of the value and temporary nature of wealth, as well as the importance of self care on a deep level. One of the Ayurvedic shastras talks about a root cause for insanity - eating from the trash and being dirty are considered causative factors for insanity, rather than byproducts. Its interesting to me because it clarifies again the importance of personal responsibility in one's life and health and spiritual welfare. Even in the face of severe distress, what are we doing to make better or worse our situation? And I don't mean on a physical level, I mean on an energetic one. Which manifests as physical experience.

So while I can see that it sounds like the height of white american privilege to talk about not giving someone money for their spiritual benefit, its something I think may be right in some situations.

Side note but somewhat relevant - before each taxi ride in India, you should always get an agreed upon rate for the whole ride. So you tell them where you want to go and they "bid" for you. I am normally a complete "keep the change" kind of person, but I found myself making sure I got change from the drivers. Not because I care if they take 10 or 20 more rupees but because I was being compelled internally to calmly make sure I got my change. It was an interesting experience for me, because I couldn't NOT get the change. First the guy gave me 10 rupees change and it was weird for me because my soul stepped in and said, "oh, do you have the other 10 rupees". Direct and firm and not apologizing and without attachment (because I truly couldn't care less about the money amount). Because I couldn't NOT do that. Because that was the lesson I needed - to firmly assert the boundaries of an agreement without apology.

To help others from a place of true DYNAMIC consciousness rather than a stagnant kneejerk response or defensive or somehow not seeing a thing clearly for what it is in the moment - that is one of my lessons I am working on now.

Pradnya/Pragnya/PrajnaParadh

PragnyaParadh roughly translates to "crimes against one's own wisdom". Its a concept in Ayurveda (and Vedanta and Yoga) which implies conscience without the christian overlay of sin. I like this term because it summarizes neatly the importance of the Truth within, as well as identifies the consequences of ignoring that small clear voice. Disease happens because of PradnyaParadh - not taking care of ourselves when we know better. All difficult challenges are made worse because of this - to know better after all, is to have the opportunity to do better. Free will is what allows us to make those choices.

I have been working with this in a practical way in the realm of addictions and attachments - to food, to alcohol, to drugs, to people/places/things. The difficult part that I find is that I cannot UNknow a thing. Especially when the thing I want to unknow is the illumination of my own ignorance. Practically speaking, I am working on my liver - this magic sensitive beautiful organ that filters and processes and purifies all that I ingest from the outside world. Even the adrenaline I produce in response to the emotions I take in. It is a lovely hard worker that I have managed to ride hard over the last 20 years of alcohol and drug and meat and drama intake. And it shows me both its frailties and its strengths all the time.

I mentioned in a conversation today that I was giving my liver a break from all of the abuse I had dished out to it over the years. And that as soon as I stopped drinking, I started losing weight - partially because my liver wasn't focused on getting rid of poison, and could turn its attention to metabolism of food. The word abuse struck a chord in the person I talked to, and he began to "defend my liver". I think I am defending it by not drinking, but more to the point, I was frustrated by his defensive projection - that somehow my choice is a judgment of HIS choices. This has happened to me before - my life choices and experiences triggering fear and defense in other people. It happened when I came back from Boulder after losing 40lbs and starting to exercise, quit smoking and stopped drinking. And its happening now that I am not drinking, drugging or eating meat.

I have a tendency to choose approval over disapproval, even when its to my own detriment. Partly the ease of the road most taken. This journey to India is a spiritual continuation of a demanding physical cleansing process I have been on for the last 3 years. I hope to keep holding that space for myself of knowingness - of continuing my commitment to my own health and welfare. Even when that makes other's uncomfortable - whether its with me or with their own choices.

Visa Anyone?

One thing that is abundantly clear after 2 years of studying Ayurveda with my beloved Indian teachers, is that travelling to India (for a dyed-in-the-wool American like me at least) is likely to be a study in letting go of my compulsive control freak tendencies. I generally like to operate under the illusion that I am an easygoing, relaxed person, able to adapt to practically any situation with ease and grace. This is clearly not the case, as evidenced by my rising anxiety about my Indian Visa experience....

Its Saturday morning and I leave on Tuesday evening and I still haven't gotten my visa.

No problem, no problem...